BACK!

OMG GUYS I"M BAAACK

Whew. Its been two years, hasn't it? I apologize about that. It's been a hell of a year, with Little Hawk getting really, really really sick, me having a mental breakdown and dealing with depression, us moving, and now moving again, and a lot of shit. Let me catch you up.

After I last posted, I had to quit school to take care of Little Hawk, who is known as Husbandface to my Ravelry friends. *waves* His Post Concussive Disorder never actually got better. It got so, so much worse.
It got so bad that we moved to Olympia, in order to be closer to his doctors. The doc we got, ended up managing to control the spasms, (thank you, whichever deity cares) but the mental stuff got worse. Now, he has Amnestic episodes. He will just randomly shut off, and be, mentally, in another time period in his life. Sometimes he is a child, or even a baby. Sometimes he's a few years ago. Sometimes he knows me, sometimes he thinks I'm his mom, and sometimes, he doesn't know me, and he thinks I've kidnapped him. That can be dangerous.

While this was going on, I was working full time, graveyard shift. Which meant he was alone at night, and, as I was sleeping during the day, also kind of alone. And bad things would happen. He would suddenly not recognize our house and go rolling off into the street, or have a panic attack, (which would trigger a spasm attack) or decide he was dreaming, and go to extreme lengths to wake himself up, like trying to cut off a finger with scissors or something. Awesome, I know.

So we went through a series of part-time caregivers, who would come in for a few hours to keep an eye on him so I wouldn't have to sleep on a folded blanket in front of the door. They were..less than stellar. There was the guy who wore so much Axe that it set off Hawk's asthma, and called in sick three days out of four. There was the girl who would nap on the couch and text. There was the older man, who was very nice, but always reeked of cigarette smoke, which I am severely allergic to, and he let Hawk run off in a panic while he was folding laundry with headphones on. Finally, we appealed to Manbear, who has not only had lots of experience with caregiving, but has a para-education degree AND a psych degree, AND is one of Hawk's oldest and dearest friend. Perfect. He has been a LIFESAVER.

In the meantime, Hawk has had lots more trouble with falling, in one case nearly fracturing his hip and ending up in the hospital for 30 days. During that time, I had to quit working, partially because I needed to spend more time with Hawk, and partially because my employer was being a dick about me spending more time with Hawk. This bird doesn't lie down and let employers walk over her.

I got another, awesomer job, and we sort of stayed in stasis, with Hawk not getting better or worse, Manbear, his awesome wife Foxy, and our other friend Bean, tried to hold down the fort at home, since I was working twelves. BECAUSE I'M CRAZY.

I know what you guys are thinking. First a year of working full time and going to school full time, then a year of working part time, taking care of Hawk, and going to school full time, then a year and a half of working full time and taking care of Hawk full time (with help). Youre thinking, "This bird is CRAZY. She's going to have a mental breakdown. The only question is WHEN."

And you're absolutely right. I started struggling with depression this summer, started seeing a therapist in November, and despite that, had a complete breakdown, complete with suicide attempt, in early December. It sucked. Don't try to kill yourself, guys. People take away your knitting and won't let you make your own sandwiches.

Anyway, I got better medicated, and started feeling better, and then Hawk had a bad fall, and two weeks later ended up BACK in the hospital with pneumonia  (Glorious. Just what we needed for Christmas) They had said Hawk needed to see a neurosurgeon after the fall, because they had seen something weird on his MRI, (lovely) and so we trekked off to Harborview, two weeks ago.

And holy shit. He has a TUMOR. In his SPINE.

It's a bone tumor that is pressing against his spinal cord, just a hair from cutting it completely. They have to operate right away. They also have to extend the spinal fusion he already has, which means MAJOR surgery, and at least a year's recovery. Hawk is postponing it until after the Super Bowl, and in the meantime we have to move closer to the hospital, in case he has complications, and I have to quit my job, because there is no way I will be able to work and take care of him. I'd been thinking about quitting anyway, because I had come to the realization that I can't work and take care of Hawk at the same time. Because I'll have a mental breakdown. And that's not good.

So what I'm saying, if I'm saying anything at all, is that I MISSED YOU. And my life is INSANE. And I am quitting my job to take care of my husband, and plan to turn my beading and stuff into a full time business.